Breasts are Deadly Weapons, Court Rules

A woman’s breasts can constitute a deadly weapon, the Third Court of Appeals held today. The Court affirmed a conviction for indecent exposure after 33-year-old Georgetown resident Charlena Ahem briefly removed her blouse at the intersection of Austin Avenue and B Street in Georgetown. She was immediately arrested and initially charged with the misdemeanor offense of indecent exposure. However, the District Attorney added a deadly weapon allegation, thereby enhancing the charge to a second-degree felony, punishable up to twenty years in prison.

Under the Texas Penal Code, "deadly weapon" means anything that is capable of causing death or serious bodily injury. There is no requirement that the person intend death or serious bodily injury, or that any such risk is actually created. All that is required under Texas law is that the object, here, breasts, were "in the manner or means" of their use were "capable of causing death or serious bodily injury." Accordingly, Ms. Ahem’s attorney advised her to plead to the lesser charge of "breast-flashing," a class B misdemeanor. As a condition of her plea, Ms. Ahem will be required to sequester her breasts "at all times," including showering, and to refrain from walking in public.

"We’re just glad the public is safe from Ms. Ahem’s breasts and anything else she might have done with them," said John Bradley, Williamson County District Attorney, in a news release. "Anyone who has seen Ms. Ahem’s breasts knows they posed a huge safety risk to the public at large and we’re satisfied now that they are permanently behind cotton or cotton-blend restraint," he said. "They’re quite spectacular, and therefore a menace."

Ms. Ahem told authorities that she saw a brown spotted recluse spider moving into her left bra cup and quickly removed her bra and blouse. "That is no excuse for risking the lives of the various motorists and bystanders," said Bradley, pointing out that he did offer her probation out of mercy. Ms. Ahem will be required to register as a sex offender for life.