Beginning just days before Halloween, the Austin Police Department announced its new plan for the investigation of people arrested for driving while intoxicated: forcibly take their blood. Dubbed “Operation Suck,” police will now not only arrest persons suspected of DWI, but remove blood samples as well. “We’d like to know what’s in the blood of people we arrest,” said Sergeant “Bat” Martinez, who will head the operation. “We already know they’re intoxicated or we wouldn’t have arrested them. The blood sample will just be extra information we’d like to have. God only knows what we’ll find,” chuckled Police Chief Arturo Acevedo. “We’ll have a lot of new additional information to put into our citizen databases.”
Once arrested, the police will take the person to the “Blood Draw Room,” now decorated with large needles and blood-spattered walls as a Halloween theme. There, policemen dressed in various costumes from mummies to vampires to wolfmen will be standing by with needles. “The guys are really having a lot of fun with this, and of course it’s all in the spirit of public safety,” said Martinez. Also in the room will be uniformed officers ready to tackle or demobilize anyone who might resist the forcible taking of blood. “We’re getting their blood, one way or the other,” deadpanned Officer Rocky Kleinschmidt as he popped his knuckles. “It can be the fun and easy way, or it can be a harder way,” he said.
Under law, the police will obtain a blood warrant from an affidavit establishing the person is intoxicated. Armed with the warrant, the person may not resist the search of his body. If he does, he may be charged with resisting a search, aggravated assault on a police officer, or both. Prosecutors can then use the information gathered from the blood sample against the person later in court. “We think the idea of a ‘vampire squad’ will be warmly received by the public, which really wants government to get as far into people’s bodies as possible,” said Chief Acevedo. “It is a brilliantly conceived program, and one that I think is also a fun way to enforce the law.”
Once arrested, the police will take the person to the “Blood Draw Room,” now decorated with large needles and blood-spattered walls as a Halloween theme. There, policemen dressed in various costumes from mummies to vampires to wolfmen will be standing by with needles. “The guys are really having a lot of fun with this, and of course it’s all in the spirit of public safety,” said Martinez. Also in the room will be uniformed officers ready to tackle or demobilize anyone who might resist the forcible taking of blood. “We’re getting their blood, one way or the other,” deadpanned Officer Rocky Kleinschmidt as he popped his knuckles. “It can be the fun and easy way, or it can be a harder way,” he said.
Under law, the police will obtain a blood warrant from an affidavit establishing the person is intoxicated. Armed with the warrant, the person may not resist the search of his body. If he does, he may be charged with resisting a search, aggravated assault on a police officer, or both. Prosecutors can then use the information gathered from the blood sample against the person later in court. “We think the idea of a ‘vampire squad’ will be warmly received by the public, which really wants government to get as far into people’s bodies as possible,” said Chief Acevedo. “It is a brilliantly conceived program, and one that I think is also a fun way to enforce the law.”
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