APD Unveils “Vampire Squad”

Beginning just days before Halloween, the Austin Police Department announced its new plan for the investigation of people arrested for driving while intoxicated: forcibly take their blood. Dubbed “Operation Suck,” police will now not only arrest persons suspected of DWI, but remove blood samples as well. “We’d like to know what’s in the blood of people we arrest,” said Sergeant “Bat” Martinez, who will head the operation. “We already know they’re intoxicated or we wouldn’t have arrested them. The blood sample will just be extra information we’d like to have. God only knows what we’ll find,” chuckled Police Chief Arturo Acevedo. “We’ll have a lot of new additional information to put into our citizen databases.”

Once arrested, the police will take the person to the “Blood Draw Room,” now decorated with large needles and blood-spattered walls as a Halloween theme. There, policemen dressed in various costumes from mummies to vampires to wolfmen will be standing by with needles. “The guys are really having a lot of fun with this, and of course it’s all in the spirit of public safety,” said Martinez. Also in the room will be uniformed officers ready to tackle or demobilize anyone who might resist the forcible taking of blood. “We’re getting their blood, one way or the other,” deadpanned Officer Rocky Kleinschmidt as he popped his knuckles. “It can be the fun and easy way, or it can be a harder way,” he said.

Under law, the police will obtain a blood warrant from an affidavit establishing the person is intoxicated. Armed with the warrant, the person may not resist the search of his body. If he does, he may be charged with resisting a search, aggravated assault on a police officer, or both. Prosecutors can then use the information gathered from the blood sample against the person later in court. “We think the idea of a ‘vampire squad’ will be warmly received by the public, which really wants government to get as far into people’s bodies as possible,” said Chief Acevedo. “It is a brilliantly conceived program, and one that I think is also a fun way to enforce the law.”

Travis County Expected to Concede Defeat in Masturbation Contempt Case

Lawyers for Adam Reposa, an Austin lawyer sentenced to 90 days in jail for contempt for his open-court simulated masturbation gesture last March, announced today that Travis County Attorney David Escamilla will concede the merits of the Reposa brief. Karyl Krug, Chief of “Team Reposa,” the lawyers who have taken up his cause, expects the contempt order will be vacated and the matter dismissed. “We’ve got an unbeatable loophole, we can’t lose,” she said.

The entire appeal, she says, hinges on one word: “at.”

The brief argued that because Reposa’s masturbation was not aimed “at” Travis County Court-at-Law No. 6 Judge Jan Breland, who was presiding over the proceedings at the time, Reposa cannot be held in contempt. “Yes, he looked at her as he jacked off,” explained Krug. “But she did not feel his masturbation. It was done ‘toward’ or ‘in the presence of,’ certainly not ‘at,’” Krug chuckled confidently, clearly reveling in the cleverness of her air-tight argument.

“We’re not saying he didn’t make the effort, it’s just that if she’s not the object of the gesture, he didn’t direct it at the court and he can’t be held in contempt,” said a Reposa Team member.

Instead, prosecutor Bill Swaim was the confirmed object of the sexual act, a man not widely viewed as a legitimate basis for masturbation. When informed about the nature of Reposa’s argument, Swaim appeared relieved. “I had been sulking,” Swaim admitted. “But when I understood Adam was ‘moving’ for me, well, I just felt elated, quite frankly,” he said. “I thought it was all about the judge, and I was not even on his mind, but now that I know it was all about me, well, it’s quite a compliment.”

Head hung low, Travis County Attorney David Escamilla admitted at a news conference his office is considering formal defeat. “We are convinced that despite the direct eye contact during the masturbatory move, Judge Breland was not, in fact, Mr. Reposa’s true object. We will of course take the appropriate action.”

News of the Reposa argument left Judge Jan Breland personally devastated. “I believed in my heart it was for me,” a teary-eyed Breland confessed. “I just really thought I was more worthy of open-court masturbation simulation than Bill Swaim,” she said, her voice breaking, “but I guess I was just plum wrong.”

“I am not gay,” yelled an annoyed Adam Reposa upon learning of the argument. “When I jack off on a person, I look them in the eye, and I don’t care about Swaim,” he said, storming angrily toward a closed elevator door, punching the elevator button vigorously. “Do I think Swaim swaggers? Sure. Do I like a man who swaggers? Absolutely. Sure, I’ve watched his walk, he’s in good shape, but the very notion, I mean, Swaim carries himself well, I admit, but just shut up, shut up,” stammered Reposa before dashing into an elevator and cursing loudly.

Breasts are Deadly Weapons, Court Rules

A woman’s breasts can constitute a deadly weapon, the Third Court of Appeals held today. The Court affirmed a conviction for indecent exposure after 33-year-old Georgetown resident Charlena Ahem briefly removed her blouse at the intersection of Austin Avenue and B Street in Georgetown. She was immediately arrested and initially charged with the misdemeanor offense of indecent exposure. However, the District Attorney added a deadly weapon allegation, thereby enhancing the charge to a second-degree felony, punishable up to twenty years in prison.

Under the Texas Penal Code, "deadly weapon" means anything that is capable of causing death or serious bodily injury. There is no requirement that the person intend death or serious bodily injury, or that any such risk is actually created. All that is required under Texas law is that the object, here, breasts, were "in the manner or means" of their use were "capable of causing death or serious bodily injury." Accordingly, Ms. Ahem’s attorney advised her to plead to the lesser charge of "breast-flashing," a class B misdemeanor. As a condition of her plea, Ms. Ahem will be required to sequester her breasts "at all times," including showering, and to refrain from walking in public.

"We’re just glad the public is safe from Ms. Ahem’s breasts and anything else she might have done with them," said John Bradley, Williamson County District Attorney, in a news release. "Anyone who has seen Ms. Ahem’s breasts knows they posed a huge safety risk to the public at large and we’re satisfied now that they are permanently behind cotton or cotton-blend restraint," he said. "They’re quite spectacular, and therefore a menace."

Ms. Ahem told authorities that she saw a brown spotted recluse spider moving into her left bra cup and quickly removed her bra and blouse. "That is no excuse for risking the lives of the various motorists and bystanders," said Bradley, pointing out that he did offer her probation out of mercy. Ms. Ahem will be required to register as a sex offender for life.