Williamson County Judges Rage Against Contempt Ruling

Angry Williamson County judges have unleashed their collective fury over the Travis County contempt decision regarding Austin lawyer Adam Reposa by unexpectedly holding scores of lawyers in contempt in the Williamson County Courthouse. "We have a reputation at stake," said a mouth-frothing Judge Burt Carnes, as he ordered most of the attorneys gathered in his court last week for 1:30 docket call into jail for "hair disorders" and other bizarre infractions he shouted hysterically from the bench.

The sudden move came as various Williamson County officials complained that Travis County judges were appearing "tougher" on defense lawyers. "We won’t be and can’t be out-done by Austin hippie-ism," huffed a visibly emotional but soft-spoken County Court at Law Judge Suzanne Brooks. "If I need to have my bailiff just shoot a lawyer here in our county for every lawyer jailed in Travis, so help me God, I will," she whispered, adding, "Please God help me, I have a .38 under my judicial gown. Lord, give me the sign. "

Many observers have described other Williamson County judges and magistrates as "disoriented" and "acting in a bewildered or confused manner" over the Travis County contempt ruling. "Our JP’s [Justices of the Peace] have been clubbing people delinquent for paying their fines on class C misdemeanors," said one deputy, who asked to remain anonymous. "It’s just because they heard that JP’s in Travis County aren’t clubbing anybody," he said.

Psychologists have described such abrupt changes in social behavior when a group’s identity is threatened or undermined. "The ‘Williamson County Syndrome’ is well-known to both naturalists and psychologists throughout the world," said one. "We’ve seen this pattern in squirrel lemurs, where one colony gains status amongst the lemur population at large through tail-snipping." However, "the colony devolves into anarchy," lemurologists say, "when their tail-snipping is revealed to be less effective at behavior control over the group" and a realization that much of the snipping may be merely due to "the simple enjoyment that some lemurs get from just biting other lemurs."

Humans, including people who work for Williamson County government, demonstrate the same behavior if a philosophy of uniformity and emphasis on punishment prevails as the dominant ideology, said University of Texas psychology professor Damon Lamer, a former hippie or hippie-like person.

"We will jail more lawyers, and if that isn’t enough, we are not repelled by cannibalism," Judge Carnes said, biting savagely at some unusually large rib-like meat provided by "Anything you Say" BBQ in Georgetown. "We deter crime because we are tougher," he snorted before suddenly chomping on an unknown lawyer's femur bone.

Contempt Ruling Rally

After criminal defense lawyer Adam Reposa was jailed for simulating masturbation in court last week, a statewide attorney association has organized a protest. Today in Austin, hundreds attended a "Free the Masturbator" Rally held in front of the Blackwell-Thurman Criminal Justice Complex. The rally was sponsored by the Texas Hispanic Criminal Defense Lawyers Association to show its support for masturbatory simulation in court. "We just feel like the courts have grabbed us by the balls with this ruling," said organizer and permanent president of the Association, Leonard Martinez. "If we let this [ruling of contempt] stand, it will just put us back into the closet instead of open masturbation for our clients," he said.

Others agreed, viewing Reposa’s sexual presentation in court as nothing less than heroic. "Mr. Reposa is just so awesome," Eva Shatelowitz, one of Reposa’s lawyers, said with unblinking, glazed eyes. "He is awesome," she said again in a near-whisper as a nearby Reposa hopped up and down screaming "Look at me! Look at me!" "Isn’t he just awesome?" she asked in stilted, robotic speech, apparently hypnotized by his repetitious vertical movement.

The rally included a speech by a contrite Judge Jan Breland who apologized to the crowd for her contempt ruling. "I realize now that he was only making an important point about the subtleties of Sixth Amendment jurisprudence by jacking off in front of me," she said. "As a judge, I guess I jumped the gun, so to speak."

Masturbatory simulation has long been an important technique of legal advocacy, one of several methods used by lawyers to persuade courts to interpret law. Many at the rally said this form of advocacy could be jeopardized if the contempt ruling is permitted to stand. "Lewd gestures are crucial to my practice," said one attorney as he thrust his hips vigorously into the air. "Shadow-master" and attorney Skip Davis said the ruling may inhibit his practice of using obscene shadow-puppets to convey the complexities of Fourth Amendment analysis. "If I can’t do two dolphins fucking, then I can’t do my job," he said.

One person at the rally complained, "The next thing they’ll do is tell us we have to wear pants to court," before running pantless through the crowd. Another screamed obscenities at a flower-bed of pansies. Several lawyers came dressed as clowns to lend their support to the Reposa cause.

Karyl Krug, another of Reposa’s attorneys, predicted the contempt ruling would be overturned on appeal. "If there is one thing that courts jealously guard, it is our sacred right as attorneys to recreate our own self-gratification in court."