In a stunning and unprecedented press conference, Williamson County District Attorney John Bradley today revealed he had arrested and secured an indictment against himself. Flanked by state and federal flags, the top county prosecutor announced his intention to personally prosecute himself on charges of prosecutorial misconduct. In a 500-count indictment, Bradley indicted himself on various charges ranging from seeking ridiculously high bonds to suppressing exculpatory evidence and threatening witnesses.
"My conduct must be denounced, and my self-prosecution will be pursued with all the zeal I can get away with," he said angrily. "Williamson County simply will not tolerate this sort of outrageous behavior by me."
Acknowledging the uniqueness of the prosecution, Bradley insisted it was necessary "to send a strong message to myself that I cannot violate civil rights without consequence. I just wasn’t ‘getting it,’" he shouted, slamming down a copy of the lengthy indictment in apparent disgust with himself.
Bradley recalled he first became aware of the misconduct while meditating quietly in his office. "I was just sitting in my own chair when I suddenly caught myself red-handed" committing the crimes, he said.
"Clearly, I had probable cause I was committing a felony in my presence," Bradley carefully recounted. He said he immediately arrested himself with spare handcuffs he kept in a nearby drawer. "I snapped the ‘cuffs behind me with my left toe, then tossed the key to make sure I wouldn’t get away," he declared.
Some legal experts raised the issue whether Mr. Bradley would be conflicted in his prosecution of himself. Bradley swept aside such questions, saying, "I have personally determined within myself that I am the appropriate person to bring this prosecution against myself to resolution. And I am going to kick my ass," he said, demonstrating his point by gingerly leaping into the air and vigorously kicking his own buttocks with his own feet.
Bradley cited the strong deterrent value in his self-prosecution, noting that he has already not committed prosecutorial misconduct since the press conference.
