APD Unveils “Vampire Squad”

Beginning just days before Halloween, the Austin Police Department announced its new plan for the investigation of people arrested for driving while intoxicated: forcibly take their blood. Dubbed “Operation Suck,” police will now not only arrest persons suspected of DWI, but remove blood samples as well. “We’d like to know what’s in the blood of people we arrest,” said Sergeant “Bat” Martinez, who will head the operation. “We already know they’re intoxicated or we wouldn’t have arrested them. The blood sample will just be extra information we’d like to have. God only knows what we’ll find,” chuckled Police Chief Arturo Acevedo. “We’ll have a lot of new additional information to put into our citizen databases.”

Once arrested, the police will take the person to the “Blood Draw Room,” now decorated with large needles and blood-spattered walls as a Halloween theme. There, policemen dressed in various costumes from mummies to vampires to wolfmen will be standing by with needles. “The guys are really having a lot of fun with this, and of course it’s all in the spirit of public safety,” said Martinez. Also in the room will be uniformed officers ready to tackle or demobilize anyone who might resist the forcible taking of blood. “We’re getting their blood, one way or the other,” deadpanned Officer Rocky Kleinschmidt as he popped his knuckles. “It can be the fun and easy way, or it can be a harder way,” he said.

Under law, the police will obtain a blood warrant from an affidavit establishing the person is intoxicated. Armed with the warrant, the person may not resist the search of his body. If he does, he may be charged with resisting a search, aggravated assault on a police officer, or both. Prosecutors can then use the information gathered from the blood sample against the person later in court. “We think the idea of a ‘vampire squad’ will be warmly received by the public, which really wants government to get as far into people’s bodies as possible,” said Chief Acevedo. “It is a brilliantly conceived program, and one that I think is also a fun way to enforce the law.”

Travis County Expected to Concede Defeat in Masturbation Contempt Case

Lawyers for Adam Reposa, an Austin lawyer sentenced to 90 days in jail for contempt for his open-court simulated masturbation gesture last March, announced today that Travis County Attorney David Escamilla will concede the merits of the Reposa brief. Karyl Krug, Chief of “Team Reposa,” the lawyers who have taken up his cause, expects the contempt order will be vacated and the matter dismissed. “We’ve got an unbeatable loophole, we can’t lose,” she said.

The entire appeal, she says, hinges on one word: “at.”

The brief argued that because Reposa’s masturbation was not aimed “at” Travis County Court-at-Law No. 6 Judge Jan Breland, who was presiding over the proceedings at the time, Reposa cannot be held in contempt. “Yes, he looked at her as he jacked off,” explained Krug. “But she did not feel his masturbation. It was done ‘toward’ or ‘in the presence of,’ certainly not ‘at,’” Krug chuckled confidently, clearly reveling in the cleverness of her air-tight argument.

“We’re not saying he didn’t make the effort, it’s just that if she’s not the object of the gesture, he didn’t direct it at the court and he can’t be held in contempt,” said a Reposa Team member.

Instead, prosecutor Bill Swaim was the confirmed object of the sexual act, a man not widely viewed as a legitimate basis for masturbation. When informed about the nature of Reposa’s argument, Swaim appeared relieved. “I had been sulking,” Swaim admitted. “But when I understood Adam was ‘moving’ for me, well, I just felt elated, quite frankly,” he said. “I thought it was all about the judge, and I was not even on his mind, but now that I know it was all about me, well, it’s quite a compliment.”

Head hung low, Travis County Attorney David Escamilla admitted at a news conference his office is considering formal defeat. “We are convinced that despite the direct eye contact during the masturbatory move, Judge Breland was not, in fact, Mr. Reposa’s true object. We will of course take the appropriate action.”

News of the Reposa argument left Judge Jan Breland personally devastated. “I believed in my heart it was for me,” a teary-eyed Breland confessed. “I just really thought I was more worthy of open-court masturbation simulation than Bill Swaim,” she said, her voice breaking, “but I guess I was just plum wrong.”

“I am not gay,” yelled an annoyed Adam Reposa upon learning of the argument. “When I jack off on a person, I look them in the eye, and I don’t care about Swaim,” he said, storming angrily toward a closed elevator door, punching the elevator button vigorously. “Do I think Swaim swaggers? Sure. Do I like a man who swaggers? Absolutely. Sure, I’ve watched his walk, he’s in good shape, but the very notion, I mean, Swaim carries himself well, I admit, but just shut up, shut up,” stammered Reposa before dashing into an elevator and cursing loudly.

Breasts are Deadly Weapons, Court Rules

A woman’s breasts can constitute a deadly weapon, the Third Court of Appeals held today. The Court affirmed a conviction for indecent exposure after 33-year-old Georgetown resident Charlena Ahem briefly removed her blouse at the intersection of Austin Avenue and B Street in Georgetown. She was immediately arrested and initially charged with the misdemeanor offense of indecent exposure. However, the District Attorney added a deadly weapon allegation, thereby enhancing the charge to a second-degree felony, punishable up to twenty years in prison.

Under the Texas Penal Code, "deadly weapon" means anything that is capable of causing death or serious bodily injury. There is no requirement that the person intend death or serious bodily injury, or that any such risk is actually created. All that is required under Texas law is that the object, here, breasts, were "in the manner or means" of their use were "capable of causing death or serious bodily injury." Accordingly, Ms. Ahem’s attorney advised her to plead to the lesser charge of "breast-flashing," a class B misdemeanor. As a condition of her plea, Ms. Ahem will be required to sequester her breasts "at all times," including showering, and to refrain from walking in public.

"We’re just glad the public is safe from Ms. Ahem’s breasts and anything else she might have done with them," said John Bradley, Williamson County District Attorney, in a news release. "Anyone who has seen Ms. Ahem’s breasts knows they posed a huge safety risk to the public at large and we’re satisfied now that they are permanently behind cotton or cotton-blend restraint," he said. "They’re quite spectacular, and therefore a menace."

Ms. Ahem told authorities that she saw a brown spotted recluse spider moving into her left bra cup and quickly removed her bra and blouse. "That is no excuse for risking the lives of the various motorists and bystanders," said Bradley, pointing out that he did offer her probation out of mercy. Ms. Ahem will be required to register as a sex offender for life.

"Team Reposa" Prepares for Oral Argument

Lawyers for Adam Reposa, an Austin lawyer held in contempt for simulating masturbation to a judge in court, are gearing up for oral argument in the case, which will be held August 20 in the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. The high court agreed to hear the case last week.

"We’re absolutely confident of victory," said Karyl Krug, the lead attorney for a collection of lawyers defending Reposa and describing themselves as "Team Reposa." But crucial to Reposa’s victory will be the defense’s demonstration of masturbation which won Reposa 90 days in the county jail. "Everything will be riding on how I present myself jacking off like I was a guy," said a brightly-smiling Krug.

To that end, the Team has been holding a series of moot courts to be fully prepared, with the masturbation simulation proving the most challenging aspect of the legal presentation. "The timing, the motion, it all has to be exactly right," said Krug, who has been practicing different gestures before "Team Reposa" member Todd Dudley and others.

"She’s coming along, but she doesn’t have it down yet," said Dudley during one of their practice runs. "I’ve shown her so many times my hand has actually cramped up," he complained. "She’s a perfectionist."

Team members say that the jack-off must commence from a 15-degree angle from the right side of the groin area at a distance of exactly 4.2 inches. As the right hand curls, the upward motion must clearly convey the constitutional rights Reposa was seeking to vindicate with the gesticulation. "If this initial move is done incorrectly, we’ll lose the argument, it’ll just look like we’re jacking off," said Dudley.

Even if the first move is performed flawlessly, Krug must both orally persuade the high court of the merits of her case while simultaneously simulating masturbation in a dignified and respectful way. "That’s a really tough one to pull off," said one court observer. "I don’t think I’d want to make that argument."

The curvature of the fingers must remain at a precise 0.72 radius as the hand rises at a speed of one-half mile an hour, signaling the court that a significant constitutional claim is at stake. As the radius is decreased, the hand-to-crotch vectors must remain solidly in place in order to inform the judges both the seriousness and complexity of the legal claims. "If the radius is too thin, she will merely appear to be whacking off; if it is too large, Krug could look ridiculous," said one attorney.

"The nobility of our profession is at stake with this case," said Dudley, as he rubbed a sore wrist. "But if Team Reposa is prepared for anything, it is this special move."

Judge’s Policy Create Worries

Wearing T-shirts with such slogans as “Down with Mercy!” and “Too much Justice!” a small group of masked district attorneys stormed the 299th Judicial District Court of Travis County today to demand Presiding Judge Charles “Charlie” Baird end his general practice of not revoking people who violate their conditions of community supervision. Disguised behind a Richard Nixon mask, the apparent leader pled with Baird to “send one more person, just one more person to prison, please. Too many people are leaving here happy,” she said. “It’s eerie.” A quartet of other prosecutors briefly chanted, “Hey, hey, don’t forgive, send them to prison as an alternative,” before quickly dashing from the courtroom in evident embarrassment of their poorly-conceived cheer.

The event was the latest reflection of frustration with Baird’s high degree of mercy in his court. “The kindness, the empathy, it’s all too much,” complained one prosecutor. “What’s next? Love your enemies?”

Baird was non-plussed and simply continued his admonishment to a defendant before wishing him well. As a bonus, the judge also miraculously cured the defendant’s blindness.

Experts worry that Baird’s policy may impact the system beyond his court. “If other judges begin behaving this way, it could shake the foundations of justice,” said Rupert Votetta, executive director of the Center for Judicial Stability and Non-Change. Already the Travis County Department of Community Supervision has fewer people to supervise as a result of Baird’s liberal discharge policy. “I have so many fewer probationers, I am now having actual conversations with the people I supervise,” complained probation officer Silveria Veitenheimer.

Fewer revocations have also resulted in fewer prison sentences. “The real fear is that we won’t have enough people to fill our prisons,” predicted Votetta, sweating profusely. “We may be looking at incarcerating only three to a cell, giving inmates all this outrageous walking-around room.”

At the closing of the Dreary Unit of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice last month, a tearful warden told the remaining 15 guards they would have to find other work. “Judge Charlie Baird did this to you,” intoned the warden. “And I guess ol’ Vic here goes free,” he said with disgust, referencing Victor “Vic” Smedley, the only remaining inmate at the prison facility. Smedley was the longest-serving inmate for his graffiti spree committed in the 1980's, during which he spray-painted “Frodo Lives!” at construction sites and scribed the woefully out-dated phrase “Keep on Truckin’” on concrete slabs.

Baird shows no sign he will change his policy, saying he wants the defendants who come before him to succeed. Others still quietly disapprove. “He just doesn’t understand the system,” said one probation officer who asked to remain anonymous. “He can’t see that a discharged probationer is really a prisoner who got away.”

Williamson County DA Arrests Self

In a stunning and unprecedented press conference, Williamson County District Attorney John Bradley today revealed he had arrested and secured an indictment against himself. Flanked by state and federal flags, the top county prosecutor announced his intention to personally prosecute himself on charges of prosecutorial misconduct. In a 500-count indictment, Bradley indicted himself on various charges ranging from seeking ridiculously high bonds to suppressing exculpatory evidence and threatening witnesses.

"My conduct must be denounced, and my self-prosecution will be pursued with all the zeal I can get away with," he said angrily. "Williamson County simply will not tolerate this sort of outrageous behavior by me."

Acknowledging the uniqueness of the prosecution, Bradley insisted it was necessary "to send a strong message to myself that I cannot violate civil rights without consequence. I just wasn’t ‘getting it,’" he shouted, slamming down a copy of the lengthy indictment in apparent disgust with himself.

Bradley recalled he first became aware of the misconduct while meditating quietly in his office. "I was just sitting in my own chair when I suddenly caught myself red-handed" committing the crimes, he said.

"Clearly, I had probable cause I was committing a felony in my presence," Bradley carefully recounted. He said he immediately arrested himself with spare handcuffs he kept in a nearby drawer. "I snapped the ‘cuffs behind me with my left toe, then tossed the key to make sure I wouldn’t get away," he declared.

Some legal experts raised the issue whether Mr. Bradley would be conflicted in his prosecution of himself. Bradley swept aside such questions, saying, "I have personally determined within myself that I am the appropriate person to bring this prosecution against myself to resolution. And I am going to kick my ass," he said, demonstrating his point by gingerly leaping into the air and vigorously kicking his own buttocks with his own feet.

Bradley cited the strong deterrent value in his self-prosecution, noting that he has already not committed prosecutorial misconduct since the press conference.

Williamson County Judges Rage Against Contempt Ruling

Angry Williamson County judges have unleashed their collective fury over the Travis County contempt decision regarding Austin lawyer Adam Reposa by unexpectedly holding scores of lawyers in contempt in the Williamson County Courthouse. "We have a reputation at stake," said a mouth-frothing Judge Burt Carnes, as he ordered most of the attorneys gathered in his court last week for 1:30 docket call into jail for "hair disorders" and other bizarre infractions he shouted hysterically from the bench.

The sudden move came as various Williamson County officials complained that Travis County judges were appearing "tougher" on defense lawyers. "We won’t be and can’t be out-done by Austin hippie-ism," huffed a visibly emotional but soft-spoken County Court at Law Judge Suzanne Brooks. "If I need to have my bailiff just shoot a lawyer here in our county for every lawyer jailed in Travis, so help me God, I will," she whispered, adding, "Please God help me, I have a .38 under my judicial gown. Lord, give me the sign. "

Many observers have described other Williamson County judges and magistrates as "disoriented" and "acting in a bewildered or confused manner" over the Travis County contempt ruling. "Our JP’s [Justices of the Peace] have been clubbing people delinquent for paying their fines on class C misdemeanors," said one deputy, who asked to remain anonymous. "It’s just because they heard that JP’s in Travis County aren’t clubbing anybody," he said.

Psychologists have described such abrupt changes in social behavior when a group’s identity is threatened or undermined. "The ‘Williamson County Syndrome’ is well-known to both naturalists and psychologists throughout the world," said one. "We’ve seen this pattern in squirrel lemurs, where one colony gains status amongst the lemur population at large through tail-snipping." However, "the colony devolves into anarchy," lemurologists say, "when their tail-snipping is revealed to be less effective at behavior control over the group" and a realization that much of the snipping may be merely due to "the simple enjoyment that some lemurs get from just biting other lemurs."

Humans, including people who work for Williamson County government, demonstrate the same behavior if a philosophy of uniformity and emphasis on punishment prevails as the dominant ideology, said University of Texas psychology professor Damon Lamer, a former hippie or hippie-like person.

"We will jail more lawyers, and if that isn’t enough, we are not repelled by cannibalism," Judge Carnes said, biting savagely at some unusually large rib-like meat provided by "Anything you Say" BBQ in Georgetown. "We deter crime because we are tougher," he snorted before suddenly chomping on an unknown lawyer's femur bone.